God's Ways Are Greater than Ours

This is another post I never thought I'd write & I don't want to write.  However; you all have been so supportive to us through this journey from beginning to end and you deserve to know what has happened.  My husband and I are now separated.  This is not what either of us wanted at all when we said "I Do" six years ago but it is the painful reality of our current situation.

I've been in contact with our licensing agency and I have the opportunity to become licensed by myself at this time.  I have prayed about it and sought godly counsel regarding this.  I have decided not to move forward with that at this time.  Thank you all who have prayed for us, supported us, and rooted for us.  The money raised from the Go Fund Me went into costs associated with getting the children's' rooms ready.  I am prayerfully considering what to do with the crib and bed and will be looking for an opportunity to pay it forward in some way.

Please continue to pray for us in our separation that God's will be done, today and everyday.  His ways are not our ways and his thoughts are not our thoughts.

Much love to you all,

Bethany

Homestudy {Part 2}

And the journey continues!

As most of you know we had a second visit this week from our social worker.  We have some more items on our to do list!  Thankfully all our home study documents from October are still valid as they must have been completed within one year of the date of the home study.  We need to get TB tests done, submit our paycheck stubs and all bills for April and May, and submit our Tax Return information from 2015.  Also we had to complete training on foster parent expectations, independent living, Child abuse/Neglect investigations, Community and Social Services, Reimbursement and Forms, Crisis and On call situations, and Agency Requirements.  For all of this we have to fill out training forms with our names, race, what we wanted to learn, what we learned and comments so we can get our hours for it.  The stack of information is pretty hefty!  We also had to signed that we received MEPA policy (more on MEPA later), privacy policy, agency rules and regulations, and a release of information for the agency that is good for 180 days.

Reading all of it is very daunting, juuuust because you realize there are a LOT of requirements and regulations placed on foster parents.  You must complete daily logs, keep all receipts for mileage, log all medications, transport to doctor appointments and therapy appointments, and spend a certain amount on clothing a month.  We also are expected to attend a training/meeting at TVN office every other Thursday night.  Sometimes I think, where am I going to find the time!  On top of that, everything in our lives is about to change.

Julie also wanted to talk with us a little about the two children, a girl age 6 and a boy age 4, that were referred to us for ADOPTIVE placement.  They are half siblings and of course need to stay together and are very close. They are at the top of the ages we wanted to accept and we know they have had some serious trauma in the past and of course have behavior concerns due to that. We had asked for more information on these children and are prayerfully considering welcoming them into our home as adoptive placements.  Their mother's parental rights have been terminated, so they are up for adoption.  Children are placed in an adoptive home for a minimum of 6 months before they may be legally adopted.  Unfortunately, their current foster home cannot adopt them and feel badly about this.  We learned that this past weekend, the little girl had a "meltdown".  Unfortunately, the meltdown must have been bad enough to send her to respite care for the weekend to indefinitely.  I know that the caseworker feels badly about this and is really interested in meeting us if we are interested in taking these kiddos.  Obviously we have some really big concerns and want to make sure that we can meet their needs.  We have asked for a meeting with the caseworker to tell them about us, learn about these children, and discuss the option of pre-placement visits if we are willing to move forward.  Will you join me in praying for these kids?  The little girl probably feels bad that she got sent away to respite care and the little boy probably misses his sister.

Also, my parents are almost licensed foster parents through our county! I am so excited about this!  It makes us feel so incredibly proud and supported. Support is the most important thing to us right now.  This is so scary but we know it's going to be worth it.

I spent all day yesterday painting furniture that will go in the kids' rooms!  I have two old dressers that I am painting white and I'm pretty excited with how they are turning out.  I am really glad that each child will be able to have their own dresser and their own closet to themselves!  I am having a lot of fun cleaning and planning how to decorate the rooms.

Also, thanks to those who have donated so far!! We can't believe the support and generosity we have already received!  We are so fortunate and blessed to have such a community of support.  We know we will need it.  Thanks to the donations we have received so far, we were able to order our bunk beds last week and they will be delivered on Tuesday! They are able to be separated into two twins beds so we have some functionality based on the age and gender of children we receive! We also have a crib set up that can be transformed into a toddler then full size bed!  Now we have to get sheets and bedding sets for all the beds and crib and make sure we have everything we need on hand to welcome any range of kiddos 6 and under into our home! Ah!

If you feel led to donate to help us prepare our home, you can click here.

If everything continues to go smoothly, we will most likely be licensed by May 30th! We are so excited that things are moving along!

Love,

Bethany

Paperwork, Paperwork, Paperwork

Many people are curious as to what it takes to actually become a licensed foster parent and the short answer is:  PAPERWORK!

Seriously, though, when the child welfare agency removes children from their parents and guardians,  they have the responsibility to place that child.  They must take this responsibility very seriously.  They first consider relatives and friends of the child, known as kinship care.  If they cannot find kinship care, they then look at foster homes. Foster homes must be approved by a Homestudy, which consists of home inspection, fire inspection, medical screens, home visits from a social worker, about 60 hours of pre-placement training, 10 hours of in home parenting since we don't have children, questions about your life/relationship/personal stuff, veterinary records for all animals, the blood of your first born child,  Just kidding about that last one.  The process of the home study is backed up by state laws, rules and regulations and we as foster parents must respect that and follow those rules.  Almost anyone can become foster parents but what separates those who want to from those who do is typically the time, inspections and paperwork involved.

That being said, here is the process of what it takes to become a licensed foster parent {in the State of Ohio}.

1.  Reach out to your local county child welfare agency {or in our case, The Village Network, a private agency that works with many county child welfare agencies through the state.  They are certified by ODJFS to approve and recommend foster parents}.  I work for our local child welfare agency and at this time cannot accept any placements through them or be licensed through them.  There is a solid 50% chance I would have been that child's intake {read: removal} worker anyways, and that just typically doesn't work out too well.

2.  JFS 01653- The Medical Screening Form.  This has to be filled out by your doctor basically stating you don't have any serious medical condition that will prevent you from caring for a child.

3. JFS 01691 -  AKA "The Big One".  This is the form about your basic information, how many bedrooms and beds you have and what type, if you smoke, if you have pets, where you went to school, if you have a home business, how many and what types of cars you drive, if you have military history, criminal history, you residential, employment and marital history (they ask about ex relationships too!), what age/gender/number/race/ethnicity of child you consider, experience with children, experience with child welfare agencies, four references from non relatives, adult child references, and signing an agreement with the agency at the end.

4. Get a fire inspection of your home.  For us in Mount Gilead, OH, we called our local fire department and they sent out a licensed fire inspector the next week and we were not charged.

5.  Obtain BCII and FBI background checks complete with fingerprints as well as local background checks (call your local PD and Sheriff's Office).

• Everyone over 18 living in your house must never have been convicted of – or entered guilty pleas for – any offenses defined in Ohio Revised Code section 5103.0319. Some exclusions may be found in Ohio Administrative Code rule 5101:2-7-02 .

6.  Get a well water check if you have well water.  We do not since we live in town.

7.  Sign up for Pre-Placement and continuous training as you have to get so many hours a year.  For us, The Village Network set us up in a hotel at Easton where the trainings were for three weekends (one weekend break for Easter). The first weekend was our 6 year anniversary!  We did Saturday and Sundays, 8am to 5:30pm.  The last weekend we asked for a hotel on Friday night and they obliged.  They reported that they will actually reimburse us for our time once we are licensed at $10 an hour per person, and we did 60 hours so $1200.  The hotel had breakfast, they fed us lunch, and we were on our own for dinner.  {Pro tip:  Wear comfy clothes.  I tried way too hard to impress the first weekend and it's just not worth it to be uncomfortable.  Also, let your trainers know if you need to get up, walk around, color etc and they will be very understanding.  The days can be long!}

8. Prepare your home!  I have a gazillion things on my mind I need to do and things I need to buy.   I am setting up another bedroom (I originally had one little girls room ready) so there are many things that need to happen for that.  Dane has purchased some bunks beds last week through his store since he works at a furniture company.  We already have a crib that converts to a toddler bed then full sized bed.  So we will hopefully be approved for two beds and a crib.  They give us stipends for caring for the child and $30 a month must be spent on clothes, so the things we need to buy are mostly things like care seats, booster seats, sheets, towels, pillows, get dressers ready, kids food and snacks, and toys.

Our next home visit from our social worker is Wednesday April 27th and we are thinking things are getting wrapped up soon!  I hope that whatever is supposed to happen will happen and we are still waiting on more information on the placement request we received a few weeks ago.  Our social worker knows we would like to foster adopt, so it makes me feel good that she is looking for adoptive placements for our family.  We are also open to fostering as well so we know that whatever child is supposed to be in our home will be.

Please continue to pray for us!  We are so in need of you support and prayers! I'm not going to lie: this process is pretty stressful for my brain thinking about everything I want to do and that needs done.  Pray for peace for Dane and I and that we will be in the best place possible to care for these kiddos, whomever they are.

***Also, if you feel led to help with some of the costs of preparing our home, you can donate at our GoFund Me page by clicking here.

Thank you so much to our friends and family who have already donated!

Much Love,

Bethany

April update!

We are almost licensed! We have done our preservice Trainings and now have to finish up with CPR certification, our last home visit, & then Julie, our licensing coordinator, will type up our huge homestudy! Wanna know something crazy? We got a placement referral for TWO kids that are up for adoptive placement!! That means that the parental rights have been terminated and they are looking for a forever home for these kids. 

We are asking for more information and carefully considering this possibility. But that just totally made it SO REAL. 

We are currently trying to get two rooms set up since these kiddos will need separate rooms due to age and gender. We are needing some bunk beds, mattresses etc!! We are also accepting parenting advice 😬

https://www.gofundme.com/adoptingbabyj 

Love,

Bethany 

Foster Parent Pre-Service Classes

Yesterday we sat down in a hotel room, at 8am, surrounded by virtual strangers, to begin training about the roller coaster ride of becoming licensed foster parents.

Foster Parent.

Something I never thought I would feel led to be.  Dane has always had a heart for adoption and also foster parenting and through his passion I also found mine.

It reminds me of something I said when I was going through college.

I could never be a social worker.

Welp.

So working in Child Welfare I have worked with many foster parents as I have placed some of our foster children into their home, often times after just being removed from their parent or custodian.   I have always loved and respected our foster parents.  I've often remarked that we are very lucky to have the ones we do in our county.  They are warm, loving, selfless and a little bit crazy.

I could never be a foster parent,

Something I have actually said.

When people ask what I do, they can't ever look me in the eye when I answer them.  I am a Child Welfare worker, an intake worker, who investigates incidences of child abuse or neglect and asks questions regularly to children that most adults couldn't handle the answers to. They respond that they could never do that job and I usually say something smart ass back like "neither could I".  But they don't know what to say next.  I am not an evil person, or a perfect loving person.  I am just a human being and I try to do my job as best as I can.  But, no, I never thought I would be a Child Welfare worker when I was working my way towards my Bachelor's Degree in Psychology.

I also never thought I would be special enough, selfless enough, benevolent enough to be the type of person that could deal with the ups and downs of foster parenting.  When I think about myself, I realize what a lacking person I truly am.  This has been weighing on my mind a lot lately when I think about bringing a little one {or two} into our home.  Knowing what I do about the development of little children, the risk of abuse and neglect, and the horror stories I have seen families live through, I feel like I will probably be super protective, super paranoid, super crazy when I have littles in our home.  I pray that I don't traumatize them more than they already have been!  When I think about having children in our home, my protective instincts kick into high gear and I feel like I would do anything for children I don't even know yet. I often worry that I won't do it right.

But, despite all these worried about myself, God blessed me last night with words from my husband.  When we were out to dinner for out anniversary he told me I was the most nurturing person he knew besides his grandmother Peggy {Johnson}, who I never met.  A high honor from him because from what I've heard, Grandma Peggy was a saint.

I trust his assessment because he has seen me at all aspects of life.  The dark, the nasty, the tired.  He says that when he is hurting, I am always right beside him.  I don't do much, I just sit there next to him.  And I realized that's all I need to do for these kiddos.  Be there.

And I promise I will always be there every step of the way.  And I know that's all that really matters.

Love,

Bethany

When an Adoption Plan Fails

This is the post I never wanted to write, yet I sit here writing it.

The expectant mother contacted me and told me that she is going to parent her baby and not place for adoption.

Yes, that means this baby is not ours.  It never was ours.  And we tried to prepare ourselves for that.

Due to our research, our Faith in God, our adoption assessor, our counselor, our awesome support systems of friends and family, we have been fully prepared in our hearts for this possibility.  And we are okay.

I would also like to thank the expectant mother for being straight-forward and honest with us from the beginning.

I would never take back the conversations, the paperwork, the ultrasounds, the background checks, the hilarious conversations, the talk about baby names, the deep conversations between a husband and wife about raising children, the dreams, the crib buying, the nursery planning, the excitement of family members and the hard parts.

These parts are what cracked my heart wide open to adoption.

I truly needed that.

I needed peace that it was okay to pursue adoption and adding a child to our family this way, and God provided that through this experience.

How to survive a failed adoption:

Risk your life for your sisters wedding by hanging gossamer from an unholy height.

Hug your husband as soon as you walk in the door.

Get beautiful flowers from your husband.

Get cooked a lovely steak dinner by your handsome husband.

Get a beautiful long-awaited diamond wrap for your wedding ring from handsome husband.

Say it will be okay and believe it.

Snuggle your puppies and kiss them, even though they hate the loud smack of your lips on their head.

Cuddle up in your warm bed and fall straight asleep.

Wake up to a wonderful message of hope and love from your husband.

Drink warm coffee in a warm home.

Watch Pride and Prejudice unashamedly for the second time in a week.  {"Ohhh, Mr. Bennett, my poor nerves!"}

Plan your spring garden and everything you want to do this year.

Think of how awesome your vacation is going to be this year.

Plan and dream and heal with your husband.

Revel in peace that comes from only God.

It does pass understanding, doesn't it?  I mean I don't understand it but it's totally there.  And so real.

And please please please do not say one negative thing about the birth mom.  Do. Not. Go. There.  I will not abide by it.  Pray for her.  She is about to become a single mother and is nervous.  But guess what?  She's awesome and her daughter is most blessed to have her as a mother for their whole lives together.  Whatever their lives bring, they will not have to suffer the pain of separation from adoption.

It doesn't make sense that I am joyful for her gain and my loss just like it doesn't make sense that she was so joyful for our potential gain of her child.  But that is the hard bittersweetness of adoption.  It doesn't make sense.

Adoption is a loss.  A loss for a child that didn't have a choice.  Yes we believe in adoption but we also believe that a parent should parent if they are able.  And she has found out that with the Lord's strength, she will be able!

If you are a part of Christ's church and in any way want to pray for this situation, pray for the mother.  Do not turn your back on a woman in the church who has a child while unmarried.  Love her and love that child as the blessing that it is.  Support her, throw her a shower, rejoice with her, buy food and clothes and toys, offer to help babysit while she goes back to school, and encourage her. It does. not. matter. how that child came into the world.  Children are a gift from God period.  There are no conditions.

If you want to pray for us, please do!  I would hesitate to post the typical responses of pity and sorrow as I just don't think I can take them right now.  I am in a really good place but others feeling pity for me just really brings me down.  So if anything, just revel in the joy that the Lord has an even greater plan for us! Please please consider supporting us as we continue this journey.  We will need all the help we can get.  We are not done with this adoption journey!  It's just going to look a little different now!

We must decide if we are going with a private adoption agency and if so we must actually select each one out of the three we have contacted.  We must also save up approximately $19,000-$23,000 for that option.  If we consider foster to adopt we must have everything in its place and be completely sure that is what the Lord has for us, as it is the biggest roller coaster ride we could imagine embarking on!  There are many options to consider prayerfully and carefully but we know that the Lord will never leave us on this path of adding to our family.

Bethany